So yah, this is probably going to be a short entry, but I felt the need to start writing as of this morning. I probably shouldn’t spend too much time writing tho because I am in the library and I should probably eat lunch at some point before I go to class. Lol. Anyways. Things have pretty much been a mess for me as usual. I honestly don’t know how much of it I have written about tho. Basically there was the whole crap with the counseling center calling my mom. Then I decided to no longer go because I could no longer trust them. Let’s see. Then I decided to stop taking my meds. That suxed. I went through physical withdrawal as the stuff left my system which basically consisted of being really sick for a week. I was nauseous and dizzy pretty much all of the time. Plus I had the constant feeling like someone was crushing my skull. There were times that I was about to collapse and could barely walk straight because I felt so horrible. That wasn’t all that bad tho. I mean, it really suxed but it could have been worse. I have experienced a lot worse in my life so it was bearable. Plus, I was doing the entire thing to be destructive. I basically expected to die once I stopped my meds. Withdrawal from SSRI’s is supposed to be pretty horrible. It is one of those things that you really have to fight to survive and I honestly didn’t care to. I wanted it to kill me. That is why I abruptly stopped without telling anyone. Pretty much I did everything that they say not to do. Unforutnately the day before I decided to stop I was ranting to a friend about the fact that I expect to die. I was feeling horrible and angry, etc. I think I chose to stop after seeing the shrink lady for the “last” time, but I don’t really remember anymore. I am very detached from all of that. So yah, I was texting a friend back home because she is the only person that is ok with me dying and apparently another friend found the messages. The other friend flipped out and called Campus Safety here in NY. They ended up hunting me down at work. Pretty much I just lied my way out of that tho. It was actually pretty easy. Anyways, after that I had like everyone all concerned. I actually had a different person call public safety again a couple days later and they came after me. They took me down to their office and made me talk to a crisis counselor. Luckily, the counselor that was on call that night wasn’t one that I have talked to before. I completely lied to her and after about an hour of sitting around etc, I got to leave. Lol. Anyways, a week or so later I had to go to the psychologist guy. I thought about just not going but I forgot to cancel and he isn’t that bad anyways, so I went. Plus, they charge me $50 if I just don’t show up.  I basically told him that I had stopped my meds and didn’t care. I also told him that I was basically just waiting for whatever happened and didn’t care if that meant death. I didn’t actually say that I was just waiting for things to get bad enough to die, but I think he got the general picture. Oh, I also told him that I felt that the counseling center had washed their hands of me by giving me a recommendation that there was no way I would ever do. Apparently he called the shrink lady after I left and talked to her. I guess it isn’t that bad. At least he didn’t like call my mom or public safety. So yah, the shrink lady then e-mailed me and said that she had talked to the psychologist and wanted to see me. I don’t know why I decided to go but I did. I guess that stupid part of me that desperately wanted to see her. I did that with KR. I mean, I still care about KR. I still want to talk to her and actually last night really wanted to write her a letter. This drives me nuts. Everytime I trust someone and they start to care about me I can’t seem to let go even if that person then makes my life hell. I mean, look at all the pain that KR caused in my life. I know she didn’t do it intentionally but still. Oh, another random, but very important detail. So, after the whole public safety thing I get an e-mail from the behavioural conduct board saying that I am “a concern to them and RIT” and that I need to meet with them. I didn’t want to and tried to figure out what it was about but they wouldn’t really specify and basically said that I had to be there. Anyways, so back to the shrink lady. I went to see her on like Thursday. She apologized for the whole thing with the recommendation and said that she didn’t take into account that it was at a hospital and I would never do it. She basically just talked to me about what I was going to do next and I told her that I didn’t know, which I didn’t and still don’t. She really wanted me to be in the DBT program there. She had referred me to a DBT program at a local hospital, but that obviously wasn’t going to happen. We also discussed the whole conduct board thing. She said that they aren’t going to be satisfied unless I am doing something so I agreed to at least meet the DBT lady. She was more pushy than the shrink lady that I was seeing. She basically made an appointment with me for this past Monday and said that I was going to go back to the psychologist to be on meds. I pretty much was really overwhelmed and felt backed into a corner so I left without doing anything. I actually told the shrink lady that I would see the psychologist but then when it was demanded of me I didn’t want to. So yah, on Friday I had the conduct board meeting. That suxed. They pretty much didn’t listen to a word I said. They had deemed me a liability and didn’t really care what I said. They said that I had to go to the counseling center and threatened to call my mom if I didn’t. They also said that they would basically kick me out of RIT if I didn’t. They told me that they have done it before and could make me go on a mandatory “leave of absence” for a year and then I wouldn’t be able to come back until I could prove that I was mentally stable enough to be here. I finally got out of there with them saying that they were going to write up a contract and I had to sign it when I went to the counseling center when I went on Monday. So basically they were trapping me. I know they think they were helping, or more of keeping themselves from being liable but the stupid ppl are killing me. Anyways, I did go to the counseling center on Monday, which was yesterday, but I need to stop writing now so I can grab some food before going to class. Hopefully I will be able to write more later.